Pure Love.

My three month old son laughed for the first time today when I tickled his belly. I have been waiting for this day, the moment of true happiness. Even if I try, I cannot express in words the amount of love I feel for my kids. Is there, could there be a love more pure than the love parents have towards their kids? 

Everyday, I am seeing them grow. I see a new change in them and I think to myself-'hang on, I haven't even lived this moment yet, I haven't been able to savour this moment completely- what is the hurry?'

I am holding on tight to these memories and yet, these moments are slipping away, like sand from my hands. I click pictures, I write down dates and jot these moments down in my memory lane and yet, as days go by I fail to remember so many precious moments and it breaks my heart.

When I look at my daughter, I fail to remember the first word she said, I have to look it up in my dairy, I fail to remember the first day she smiled, I do remember her smile- you know the slightly crooked smile they give when they are first learning to smile, the smile that is not just a reflex; but when was the first time she actually smiled? how did it make me feel the first time? I remember how sloppy her kisses were and I remember not knowing they were kisses until my maternal healthcare told me so. 

Now, my daughter is almost 5 and my son 3 month old and yet I can't remember how tiny they were when they were born. The are both gaining weight, out growing their clothes and yet they seem so little. My daughter is talking, jumping, dancing and soon she will start school- time is flying and I can't do anything about it. I can't stop it, I am trying to live every moment and yet, somehow, I feel like I am missing out, like with every blink of an eye I missed something precious. 

I want them to grow up and yet I want them to stay like this forever. I can see pure love in my children's eyes, this love the I will never see again, the innocent, pure, unadulterated love. I know that when she looks at me and says 'I love you momma' she means every word of it, I know when she tells me that 'I am the best mum in the whole world' she truly meant it. I know when she hugs and kisses me she truly wanted that, or when I ask for a hug she will be the happiest to give me her love. I know when she goes to childcare and makes paintings for me she really wanted to give me something that will make me smile. She puts in an effort each day, everyday, to make us smile but the truth of it is- this will all change, there will come a time when she will not need me, when she will be able to make her own decisions, when both of them will know that perhaps I am not the best mum in the whole world, I know that they will not have time for me as they will have their own lives and they will be busy. I want them to be independent, I want them to be happy, live their life to fullest, I want them to reach a stage of life so independent that they don't need me but I am not ready for that just yet. So, I will hold them a little longer, I will tell them I love them as many times as I can, I will read another story and dance one more time, fill their tickle jar one more time until they tell me to stop-just to hear their laugh. 

I am a Paradox.

Today, I will bare my soul

I will say what needs to be told.

I am here and in every woman you see. 

I am not perfect and I am not trying to be.

In this demanding world I just want to be me.

I am uncouth, 

I am elegance.

I am power and I am peace. 

I am calm and the turbulent sea. 

I am the mother, the wife, the daughter you ever wanted and yet not me.

You think you know me and had me figured. 

I am the memory your mind triggered. 

I am hard and I am scared.

I have loved when no one has cared.

I fight fierce and stand alone.

My light has not yet completely shown.

I will help you fly,

Yet, I am shy. 

I dance to the rhythm of my own tune

I am the sun and I am the moon. 

I am every woman and every woman is me. 

I am perfect, yet, perfection is not what you will see. 

I will break the barriers and I dance free.

I will not shy away from being me. 

I will walk the highest mountain, 

I will smile through the pain.

You will see me standing next to you on the side walk, in your kitchen or on the train. 

I am every woman and everyone woman is me. 

I sometimes hate my body and imperfection is all I see. 

I try to be you - I try to be me. 

I am brave, I face my fears.

I wipe not only my but also your tears.

I snore a little and talk a bit in my sleep. 

I whisper I love you and will love you deep. 

I am capable of hatred 

And I respect what's scared. 

I am perfect in every way yet perfection is not what you will see. 

I am every woman and everyone woman is me.  

I build, I conquer 

I love, I nurture 

Like phoenix I rise.

I am the truth I am the lies.

I am earth, I am fire.

I am your heart's only desire. 

I am dusk, I am dawn

I am the woman you can't own. 

I heart I am soul

I am a gipsy, I am woman you can't mould. 

I night, I am day.

I the word you can't say. 

I am love, I am hate 

I chose my own destiny, I chose my own fate.

I am every woman and every woman is me. 

I am the balance in your life you seek. 

I am perfect and  I am not trying to be.

In this demanding world I just want to be me.

Father of the bride.

One day you will stand in front of her. She will be dressed like her mother head to toe in her wedding gown. Even though she will be smiling for she had met the love of her life, her trembling hands which are nervously playing with the edge of her veil will tell a different story altogether. It will be in that moment you will question your whole parenthood. Have I done enough? Does she know how much I love here? Does she know how to take care of herself? Will she know self respect and to stand up for herself? Will she know how to love herself before loving someone else? Have I taught her enough? Is she ready for this? 

It will be at this point that you will remember the first smile she smiled, the first step she took, the first time she said I love you Baba. At this time you will remember the first fight you had with her, how angry you were how upset she was. She is so headstrong you might think but again she is so much like you, after all she is a true reflection of you. 

Now her mother is fixing her veil and they stare at each other, unspoken words, silent language and bond you never understood- she is so much like here mother you might think. When did we grow up, who is this lady in front of me you might think. Time has just passed you by and you are finding it hard to remember anything at all. Everyday you tried to remember them playing and dancing together and now you are standing thinking did I try enough? Could I have tried harder? Like sand time is slipping from your hands and only a few memories remain. 

Today you ask yourself once again- does she know how much I love her? Will she understand? Have I done enough for her to understand that she means the whole world to me. Have I treated her mother right for her to know how a woman needs to be treated and respected? Does she understand what and how a woman should be treated and has she picked the right man for herself who will know how to love her and respect her? Have I treated her well enough to know her place in this world? Have taught her how to be strong and walk away when it is needed? Have I taught her to be herself and accept nothing less of that? Have I taught her that her imperfections make her who she is, that it is ok to cry as long as she can learn to wipe her tears and fight her battles with a smile on her face and kindness in her heart? Have I taught her to challenge what's wrong and stand up for the right? Have taught  her that she could dress herself in rags and have the most fowl mouth but still be poised like a lady? Today you will ask yourself, have I been a good father. 

Now she turns around and looks at you for approval like she did with her first jump from the couch, like the first scribble of painting she made, like the first time she danced and your mind is drawing a blank because you don't know what to say? You want to tell her how beautiful she looks and how grown up she looks. She smiles and you know she understand you after all she is a reflection of you. 

She hold your hand and you remember her tiny fingers wrapped around you and you think, will her husband hold her hand, will he tell her he loves her? Is he like me? Do I want him to be like me? This is the day you will wonder -will he support my daughter no matter what? Will he speak to her softly and let her speak her mind? Will he encourage her to be herself? Will he defend her honor and reassure her at every step? Will he respect and treat her like she deserves? Today you will ask yourself will he love her more than I will because today will be the day you will hope that she has met someone who will love her more than you. 

My Journey to Happiness.

When I asked my daughter what happiness meant to her- she said, 'it is when we feel excited' and what made her happy was when I tickle her or smile at her- as simple as that. So, are we complicating things as adults? They say happiness is a state of mind but it is not as easy as it sounds, is it?

We as adults, can't be just be happy if some one tickles us or smiles at us(it might even be considered as sexual harassment or invasion of personal space).  Happiness is certainly not a button that you press and then all of a sudden we are happy. 

I remember once I said to someone, "you know what- this year I will just be happy, I will not let anything get in my way to happiness" and my friend just looked at me funny and said the most obvious-"you can't just be happy Ankita-what will you do if your loved one dies". Of course I will be sad then-like duh!!. What I meant was not that I will be happy 24/7 but what I meant was that I will not let small things effect me. I have tried to change my perspective by asking myself one question every time some thing bothers me- "how important is this to me, is it worth ruining my whole day  or someone else day/week/moth over it". For the most of you who know me personally, will know that overall I am a happy person, sure I need a LOT of improvement(I am working on it) but generally speaking I am happy but it wasn't always the case. 

About two years ago I went through a very rough patch. I wasn't in the right head space, it effected my personal life immensely, somehow, I had this idea stuck in my head that everything has to be perfect. I had to be a perfect wife, a perfect mother, a perfect daughter, a perfect employee and in trying to be all those I wasn't doing anything right. I took on too much, more than I could handle. I wasn't happy, I was expecting to much from myself and it started to take a toll on my health, my marriage, my child and my work. I wanted to do everything and I couldn't do anything. I wanted my house to be perfectly clean and would spend hours on it, dishes HAD to done everyday, my family had to eat a perfectly balanced meal every time, if my husband didn't enjoy what I made it would spoil my mood and make me angry at him, as if he HAD to enjoy EVERYTHING I made. In my journey to happiness I dragged him along- I took on too much myself and then complained that he wasn't pulling his weight around the house/relationship for insignificant things, things that I could let go off. I somehow blamed him for my unhappy state of mind when he was just being himself, until one day I had an epiphany- I was chasing an impossible dream. I was expecting the world around me to change according to me without realising that the change has to start from within. The moment I realised this I felt my body relax, for the first time in years I felt I could breath. I felt like instead of drowning I was actually floating, I felt light and I felt calm. Everything around me changed. 

I started making small changes, accepting my imperfections, understanding my short comings, I was now trying to accept myself. I realised that there was no point in worrying about my messy house, it simply means we live here; we are making memories. I realised, I didn't need a bigger house or a bigger car as what we have is fulfilling its purpose. I realised that it was ok to just eat toast and eggs for dinner. It was ok that my body wasn't the same as it was before I had my daughter. I didn't need my husband to say he loves me anymore because it showed in small gesture for example him going and buying my girly products of the grocery list or fixing things around the house. I understood then that I didn't need my team member to change according to me but I had to put in efforts to understand them, I understood that it was ok if I made mistakes and be silly. It was a long hard process, it took a long time to let go of various issues, I still do struggle sometimes but I am getting there. 

So yes, I did just stop being sad and I did just start being happy. It was that simple for me but I know it is not that same process for everyone, people have bigger problems, life sometimes just gets in the way, our loved ones get sick, we lose some loved ones, our health prevents us from being happy-there is no one size fits all approach and it is easier said than done but this was MY journey and now like my daughter happiness is when my daughter tickles me and if someone smiles at me. Happiness is now building a tent in my house and reading books to my daughter. Happiness is siting at home with my husband doing nothing in particular, Happiness is seeing my loved ones healthy and happy, happiness for me stopping and smelling the roses. Happiness is feeling passionate about work.  Happiness is being harmony with myself. Happiness is a state of mind for me. 

What is your happiness for you?

Men Vs Women at work.

Not so long ago, I went for a meeting with an organisation called Inkling Women; it was a very insightful and informative meeting. It was all about women empowerment and what we can do at work to be considered equals at work.

Now, whilst they made some very good points , they also discussed points such as body language, how to 'stand tall' like a man, what tone to use so we sound as confident as men and so on. This got me thinking- why is it that we women need these support networks? why is it that someone has to tell us how to behave like a man to be considered an equal? I have never considered myself to be not an equal, hence, it comes as a great surprise to me when women feel intimidated by men at work- unless I were to get into a fist fight with a man(well or even a woman-since I have no upper or lower body strength) I think of myself just as smart and capable of doing anything a man can. I work with a lot of men, my immediate leader is a man and I will tell you one thing he or they have never done anything to undermine my capabilities.

It is a matter of perception. We as women doubt our own capabilities, we question our own selves. There was a lot of discussion around how women get interrupted more at work than men do and how we could overcome this problem and there I was sitting, listening to these women do exactly what they accuse men of doing- being sexist. The whole seminar was sexist. I interrupt my colleagues more than men, not because I am being disrespectful but because I get so excited about something that I end up interrupting a conversation(yes!! I know- its rude, I am working on it). If a man interrupted me I would do exactly what I would do if a woman interrupted me-i.e. wait for them to finish and start from where I left off. I could not believe that these wonderful ladies that I went to this meeting with needed to hear that from someone.

The other point they discussed was- when we women interrupt we apologise for interrupting; isn't it just basic manners. I know of men who would do the same because it is just good manners, it has nothing to do with being an equal.

We women can only be equals, when we start believing that we are, when we stop relying on reassurance from each other or men. When we feel confident in our own capabilities. The thing is, a lot of us lack confidence, we have been told that we are not capable of a few things and over a period of time and we actually started believing it. So, now is the time we have to start changing are mentality but most of all what we truly need to understand is that men and women have different strengths and weaknesses. Just because men have played a dominant role in the society, it doesn't mean they have better qualities than us, they are just different from us. In the meeting, someone spoke about how we get emotional and we need to learn to control our emotions just like men can. Now, like I said men and women have different strengths, we are capable of empathy, showing emotions and there is NOTHING wrong in that, men are good at analysing things and this is how balance is created in this world. We are more nurturing and loving and men are more decisive and practical-I am not saying all are the same- some women may be more practical than there peers and some men maybe more in touch of their emotions, but the deal is that we need all these emotions and qualities for a perfect balance.

So, just because we want to be equal to men doesn't mean that we have to put men down, we are not better or worse than men. Even though we are the same specie we have different qualities and they both need to be embraced. We need to start believing on ourselves, it is not that we are always treated badly( I agree there is sexism in world) but we just lack confidence. Think about it, if a man interrupted another man, would the person who has been interrupted be as offended as we feel? So, if we truly wanted to be treated like an equal, we have to know that we are ARE equal. We have to stop playing the victim card and believe in ourselves- truly believe in ourselves.

One of the biggest things that I have learnt as a manager and after having numerous discussions with men and women is, the nonchalant attitude men have vs us, we women follow the book a lot. We always have something to prove and are too afraid to take risks. We are more afraid to be taken to HR or losing our job than men are, this is our strength and weakness- this helps us analysing the risk and creating a decorum at work place but also at the same time we become so afraid to make a mistake, thus leading to conflicts. For example, the policies at our work place clearly states that all my team members are to bring medical certificates each and every time they are unwell, now in the past I have gotten after those who did not adhere to these policies, managed them for not bringing in a stupid document. Have made a big deal of it, until I spoke to one of my male colleagues who asked me- so what if he didn't bring in a med certificate? he is performing well and maybe needed a mental break. -this could have come from my female colleagues too but they were on the same page as me that a medical certificate must be provided because the 'policy said so' and I felt I will be in trouble if they didn't provide it- after all I was doing the right thing. This is when I truly understood why a lot of times male leaders were preferred, because they took chances but also understand that women make great leaders because they are driven and passionate. We surely can learn from each other without comparing ourselves to each other or without competing against each other.

So, go ahead apply for that role you have wanted and didn't because you thought a man would get it. Speak up not because that is what a man would do but because you have a voice. Break some rules. Don't think like a man or woma-think like a human. Dare to dare.

Stress and Worry

Almost everyday, I hear my family, friends, collegues and people around me talk about stress and worry. About 80% people that I have spoken to complain about what a stressful day they had at the office at  least once a week, if not more, followed by worry relating to health of our loved ones. 

What is concerning is that stress and worry have become a part of our lives now. It is almost like waking up in the morning and brushing our teeth. Every morning we wake up worried about our day ahead and we stress about being late to work, about projects that needs to be finished at work, about todays agenda EVEN before the day has started. We wake up thinking-'how am I going to finish this', 'what will I make for dinner' even though it is 5'o clock in the morning and we have not even opened or eyes properly. We worry about our loved ones health even though they are perfectly fine, we worry about our social status, we worry about our bodies and how we look, about work, exams, what to wear, what to eat and so on. 

So, you may ask, won't you feel stressed if your loved ones are sick, the answer is No; we shouldn't  be 'stressed' if our loved ones are unwell, we should be concerned. Here is the thing, there is big difference between feeling stressed/worried and concerned. Notice how I keep using stress and worry together because they do go hand in hand, worry leads to stress, worry is unreasonable and stress is a reaction to worry. Stress is a direct outcome of worry, you may experience headaches, palpitations, fatigue, sleepless night and so on. Where as Concern is a rational state of mind, where you think about a situation and take actions accordingly. Worry/Stress are impulsive and concern is well thought out. 

I won't deny that I haven't felt stressed or worried, I am human and sometimes more often than not I am driven by my emotions, for example, recently my grandmother has been extremely unwell; she was throwing up blood. Now, I am here in Australia and she is back in india. When I first heard about her, my first impulse was worry-yes I worried because I did not know the extent of her health and and my mind went in an overdrive thinking the worst. This lead to constant messages to my father, looking up tickets online that maybe I should go back to India, say my final goodbye and so on. This is what my father told me, 'you cannot worry constantly about her, we need to obviously prepare for the worst at her age but that doesn't mean that we let our mind go in a loop and start working impulsively'. He said that whilst he understands the thought behind my worry, it wasn't helping anyone as she may recover or she may not. I may go back to India to say goodbye to her but she recovers now and is healthy for a year and falls sick again what would happen then? this got me thinking, what was I doing? how was my worry helping anyone, I was constantly texting my dad and my sister to get updates even when they were busy, I wasn't sleeping well which lead to me feeling cranky and tired the whole day and I was then taking it out all that worry and anxiety on my kids who are not more than five years old resulting in them acting out in their own way. I was stressing over something I absolutely had no control over. No matter what I did, I simply cannot change the outcome of the situation. Now, I am in no way implying that we become complacent in any way but I think we need to be more rational about it. 

Similarly, when it comes to work, a lot of us worry about our jobs and careers. I have been thinking of why we are so stressed at work or in life, here is my theory-we are not content with what we have. We want to achieve the world, too much- too soon. We lack patience. We put too much pressure on ourselves. We live in a world where everyone portrays a 'perfect' world, we live in an age of Facebook and Instagram where everything is perfect, we are constantly looking for approval from these people whose lives seems perfect where as it is not. We are in a constant state of competition; whilst competition is healthy we have forgotten how not to be a sore loser, thus, resulting in our minds going in an overdrive. We are constantly trying to prove ourselves to no one on particular, failure is just no longer an option. We stress ourselves all year around to go on a perfect vacation to get away from stress and then we stress about that vacation- it is a loop. We make a list of things, we organise ourselves and when we find that we cannot complete a task on that list we feel our life is a complete chaos. We go for a spa, full body massage and feel the stress just wash away from our body but the moment that vacation, that spa or list is over we go back to feeling stressed again- so you see it is a vicious cycle. Unless we find inner peace, content in what we have no matter what you do, where you go, no matter how many vacations, no matter how much time and money you spend you will always be stressed and worried. Another reason for stress or worry, I believe is this desire for have better things, this obsession to have more than what we had earlier, this need to find something better than what we currently have, a better body, a better bank balance, a better job, a better house, a better lifestyle -where and when does it stop? How do we find that inner peace, the sense of content? at what stage of life will you be able to say- you know what this is not important enough. At what point in life will we accept that - hey shit happens. When will we be able to let go of this unnecessary stress and worry in order to actually live our lives? At what point in your life will you say- what I have is enough because I can tell you one thing the day you say- I have everything I need, will be the day you will be able to let go of all the stress and worry and actually live your life. 

Substance Addiction in Babies.

So, today I decided to do some research on babies in Australia who are born to drug addict mothers/parents. It was shocking to say the least that when I tried to search for some data on babies born to drug addict parents it was close to none. The last news was somewhere in 2015 and we are in mid 2017, surely this is a topic that needs a lots more attention.

When I had my daughter and I was still in the hospital, I had to share the room with another lady, who told me to 'babysit' her son as she was going down for a smoke; me a total stranger (even though I was in no condition to abduct the baby). Her need to go for a smoke was so strong that she was happy to leave her new born son unattended with a total stranger-I could have been a psychopath.

Research has shown that children born to substance addicted mothers suffer from same withdrawal symptoms as any other adult who tries to leave substance abuse cold turkey, i.e. abdomen pain, diarrhoea, seizures. Imagine these little babies, completely helpless and already addicted to lethal substances such as Ice, cocaine, heroin, alchohol. Some, may even survive but what happens when they grow up? what happens when all they are used to seeing is parents who would spend every last penny on buying drugs/alcohol or tobacco. What happens when they are constantly moved from one foster care to another, what happens to these angels who not only SEE their parents using drugs and slowly killing themselves with drug abuse but also face physical abuse as many would. What happens to that kid who acts out everyday because all he has seen is his mother/father passed out in a corner, possibly even lying in their own vomit, the kid who has been hungry for days because their parents couldn't care less, the child who has seen his parents not only passed out but even possibly dead due to use of illicit drugs. Just imagine the psychological issue these kids must be facing- depression, anxiety to name a few. These children don't even know what is normal. These children have not experienced true love. Some may shudder at human touch and others may act out. They don't know that life can be beautiful. What have they done to deserve such a life?

How many times we hear horrific stories of children being physically/mentally abused by such parents. Heartbreakingly, we hear these stories on daily basis, we read these stories, we feel sad and we move on. Some of us feel anger, hatred, disgust and sadness. Some of us want to do something and we just don't know where to go or how to go about it.

Even though, the Australian government has been taking steps to help such children by Child Protective Services forcefully taking children away from their parents and placing them in foster care- this topic of discussion remains somewhat neglected. Why do we not hear more about such topics, why is this topic not discussed on 'The Current Affair'? Why is it that which brand between Coles, Woolworth and ALDI providing the best prices is more of a hot topic of discussion than this? Why is it that this is not a priority?

Yes, if you go to the http://www.raisingchildren.net.au you will find information on how  parents/kids can be helped but this is not a topic of discussion that we discuss on everyday basis. What other steps can we take to ensure that these innocent lives are not effected by substance abuse?
Have you ever seen/known/ met anyone who was in this situation? what did you do about it? please share your thoughts and comments on how and what we can do to help these kids.